“Is this where I can sign up to be a bank robber?” Chester asked timidly. He held up a cellphone with a Hole-in-the-Wall app profile open on it. He was sure it was not clear what he meant, being that this was the headquarters of a cellphone app that catalogued dive bars. The receptionist’s eyes widened and without a word, he immediately punched in an extension on his phone. He stared down at the panel of lights until one lit up.
“Take that elevator,” he said, pointing to the first in a bank along the wall. “Don’t press any buttons. It’ll take you where you need to go.”
“Thank you,” Chester said, giving the receptionist a grateful smile and he turned for the elevator. He pressed the call button and boarded when the doors opened.
Standing there, he wondered why he was not given a floor. Where was he supposed to go? The building had six floors. He was about to just pick one at random so he could get off and ask for better directions, but the elevator began to move, not up but down.
A secret basement, he thought to himself. Neat!
—
When the doors opened, he was greeted by a severe woman in a prim skirt suit. She took the phone from him and gestured for him to follow her.
“Where did you get this?” she demanded.
“I found it on the floor of my bank,” Chester answered, quailing under the harshness of her question. “Behind a potted ficus.”
“And how did you get into the backend of the app?”
“It just opened to it when I unlocked the phone.”
“There wasn’t any kind of passcode or swipe pattern on it?” she asked, incredulous. She leaned forward, bearing down on Chester, as if it was his fault the phone’s previous owner didn’t secure it. Chester shrunk into his chair and shrugged.
She pressed the power button on the phone and, sure enough, it opened the Hole-in-the-Wall app, bypassing the frontend and automatically logging into the backend. She navigated to this fool’s profile to find out who it was who was threatening their entire operation. The profile loaded, revealing the phone’s owner to be an agent codenamed Clippy. His profile photo had a black-and-white filter, though, meaning the agent had been reported as deceased. Pity, she thought. No one to make an example of.
“Um, look, ma’am,” Chester ventured. “I don’t care that all this is illegal. I’m not gonna tell anyone. I just want in on it.”
She gaze snapped up from the phone to examine Chester’s face for motive.
“Have you ever committed armed robbery before?” she demanded to know.
“No, but I’m not afraid! I could be a great bank robber!”
Her eyes practically rolled out of her head, but then an idea flashed across them.
“All right. In recognition of your service here today in bringing this grievous breach of security to our attention, I will put you on a crew. It’ll be an easy introductory job. I’ll even have a firearm requisitioned for you.”
Chester’s face broke into a bright grin.
“Thank you, ma’am! You won’t regret this!”
She didn’t acknowledge his thanks, ignoring him to bend down over her desk and scribble a note on a post-it note. When she finished, she ripped it off the pad and handed it to him.
“Take that to the end of the hall, turn left, and go through the third door on the left. The controller in that office will get you set up.
Chester hopped out of his chair and accepted the post-it note.
“Thank you again, ma’am! I’m really excited about this!” He waited for a response, but gave up and left when he realized she was finished with him.
He shut the door behind him and read the post-it note.
For immediate assignment on Accounts Payable team. – Verdandi
—
The controller let out a low whistle when he read the post-it note. Normally with a novice he’d ask why they were interested in the work and make sure this wasn’t going to be a waste of time, but in this case, he would get in trouble if Chester backed out now. So instead he sat back down behind his desk, gestured for Chester to take a seat opposite, and started setting up his profile.
Chester looked around while the controller filled in the information on the computer. He read the name plate on the controller’s desk – his name was Zeppo – and took in the books on the shelf behind him. Mark Twain, William Faulkner, James Thurber, Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde, H. L. Menken.
“So…” Zeppo said. “You ever rob a bank before?”
“No,” Chester admitted. “But I’ve seen it done in movies. It can’t be that hard, right?” It was clear he needed reassurance.
“Nah, it’s a piece of cake,” Zeppo lied. “All right, so your codename will be Mitty. Now that’s your new name basically, so forget your old one. Your crewmates are only to know you by your codename.” He pulled a cellphone out of a box of them, poked and swiped at the screen for a few minutes and then handed it over.
“I’ve already set you up for a job on there,” he said. Mitty took the phone and looked at the screen. The job was a bank branch in Montana with three crewmates. Cleo, Dixie, Frenchy.
“All ladies, huh?” Mitty said, both nervous and pleased.
Zeppo smiled. “Hey, if I managed to get you a date too, you can thank me later.” He knew Mitty wasn’t going to bag any of those chicks. He stood and directed Mitty out the door. “Head back to the elevator and I’ll have it send you to Wardrobe. They’ll get you your uniform and take your profile photo.”
“Thank you so much!” Mitty said.
“Don’t mention it.”
Zeppo watched Mitty head back down the hall and turn the corner. Assigning a fresh recruit who hadn’t even had the chance to disappoint yet to an Accounts Payable team? The cruelty of it weighed on him.
He looked forward to forgetting what Mitty looked like.
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