\u201cIs this where I can sign up to be a bank robber?\u201d Chester asked timidly. He held up a cellphone with a Hole-in-the-Wall app profile open on it. He was sure it was not clear what he meant, being that this was the headquarters of a cellphone app that catalogued dive bars. The receptionist\u2019s eyes widened and without a word, he immediately punched in an extension on his phone. He stared down at the panel of lights until one lit up.<\/p>\n
\u201cTake that elevator,\u201d he said, pointing to the first in a bank along the wall. \u201cDon\u2019t press any buttons. It\u2019ll take you where you need to go.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you,\u201d Chester said, giving the receptionist a grateful smile and he turned for the elevator. He pressed the call button and boarded when the doors opened.<\/p>\n
Standing there, he wondered why he was not given a floor. Where was he supposed to go? The building had six floors. He was about to just pick one at random so he could get off and ask for better directions, but the elevator began to move, not up but down.<\/p>\n
A secret basement, he thought to himself. Neat!
\n
\n\u2014<\/p>\n
When the doors opened, he was greeted by a severe woman in a prim skirt suit. She took the phone from him and gestured for him to follow her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere did you get this?\u201d she demanded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI found it on the floor of my bank,\u201d Chester answered, quailing under the harshness of her question. \u201cBehind a potted ficus.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd how did you get into the backend of the app?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt just opened to it when I unlocked the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere wasn\u2019t any kind of passcode or swipe pattern on it?\u201d she asked, incredulous. She leaned forward, bearing down on Chester, as if it was his fault the phone\u2019s previous owner didn\u2019t secure it. Chester shrunk into his chair and shrugged.<\/p>\n
She pressed the power button on the phone and, sure enough, it opened the Hole-in-the-Wall app, bypassing the frontend and automatically logging into the backend. She navigated to this fool\u2019s profile to find out who it was who was threatening their entire operation. The profile loaded, revealing the phone\u2019s owner to be an agent codenamed Clippy. His profile photo had a black-and-white filter, though, meaning the agent had been reported as deceased. Pity, she thought. No one to make an example of.<\/p>\n
\u201cUm, look, ma\u2019am,\u201d Chester ventured. \u201cI don\u2019t care that all this is illegal. I\u2019m not gonna tell anyone. I just want in on it.\u201d<\/p>\n
She gaze snapped up from the phone to examine Chester\u2019s face for motive.<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you ever committed armed robbery before?\u201d she demanded to know.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, but I\u2019m not afraid! I could be a great bank robber!\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes practically rolled out of her head, but then an idea flashed across them.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right. In recognition of your service here today in bringing this grievous breach of security to our attention, I will put you on a crew. It\u2019ll be an easy introductory job. I\u2019ll even have a firearm requisitioned for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Chester\u2019s face broke into a bright grin.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you, ma\u2019am! You won\u2019t regret this!\u201d<\/p>\n
She didn\u2019t acknowledge his thanks, ignoring him to bend down over her desk and scribble a note on a post-it note. When she finished, she ripped it off the pad and handed it to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cTake that to the end of the hall, turn left, and go through the third door on the left. The controller in that office will get you set up.<\/p>\n
Chester hopped out of his chair and accepted the post-it note.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you again, ma\u2019am! I\u2019m really excited about this!\u201d He waited for a response, but gave up and left when he realized she was finished with him.<\/p>\n
He shut the door behind him and read the post-it note.<\/p>\n
For immediate assignment on Accounts Payable team. \u2013 Verdandi<\/i><\/p>\n
\u2014<\/p>\n
The controller let out a low whistle when he read the post-it note. Normally with a novice he\u2019d ask why they were interested in the work and make sure this wasn\u2019t going to be a waste of time, but in this case, he would get in trouble if Chester backed out now. So instead he sat back down behind his desk, gestured for Chester to take a seat opposite, and started setting up his profile.<\/p>\n
Chester looked around while the controller filled in the information on the computer. He read the name plate on the controller\u2019s desk \u2013 his name was Zeppo \u2013 and took in the books on the shelf behind him. Mark Twain, William Faulkner, James Thurber, Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde, H. L. Menken.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo\u2026\u201d Zeppo said. \u201cYou ever rob a bank before?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Chester admitted. \u201cBut I\u2019ve seen it done in movies. It can\u2019t be that hard, right?\u201d It was clear he needed reassurance.<\/p>\n
\u201cNah, it\u2019s a piece of cake,\u201d Zeppo lied. \u201cAll right, so your codename will be Mitty. Now that\u2019s your new name basically, so forget your old one. Your crewmates are only to know you by your codename.\u201d He pulled a cellphone out of a box of them, poked and swiped at the screen for a few minutes and then handed it over.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve already set you up for a job on there,\u201d he said. Mitty took the phone and looked at the screen. The job was a bank branch in Montana with three crewmates. Cleo, Dixie, Frenchy.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll ladies, huh?\u201d Mitty said, both nervous and pleased.<\/p>\n
Zeppo smiled. \u201cHey, if I managed to get you a date too, you can thank me later.\u201d He knew Mitty wasn\u2019t going to bag any of those chicks. He stood and directed Mitty out the door. \u201cHead back to the elevator and I\u2019ll have it send you to Wardrobe. They\u2019ll get you your uniform and take your profile photo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you so much!\u201d Mitty said.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t mention it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Zeppo watched Mitty head back down the hall and turn the corner. Assigning a fresh recruit who hadn\u2019t even had the chance to disappoint yet to an Accounts Payable team? The cruelty of it weighed on him.<\/p>\n
He looked forward to forgetting what Mitty looked like.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cIs this where I can sign up to be a bank robber?\u201d Chester asked timidly. He held up a cellphone with a Hole-in-the-Wall app profile open on it. He was sure it was not clear what he meant, being that this was the headquarters of a cellphone app that catalogued dive bars. The receptionist\u2019s eyes widened and without a word, he immediately punched in an extension on his phone. He stared down at the panel of lights until one lit up. \u201cTake that elevator,\u201d he said, pointing to the first in a bank along the wall. \u201cDon\u2019t press any buttons. It\u2019ll take you where you need to go.\u201d \u201cThank you,\u201d Chester said, giving the receptionist a grateful smile and he turned for the elevator. He pressed the call button and boarded when the doors opened. Standing there, he wondered why he was not given a floor. Where was he supposed […]<\/p>\n