A screenshot of Nick Lighterbearer's living room.

Twenty-Two Short Films About Wellington Wells: A Caretaker, Not a Queen

“Come on, love. I thought I finally found him a girl who understood how this was going to work. Someone who wasn’t going to get emotional about it,” Virgil appeased. “You knew what you were signing up for.”

“Oh, I know! You explained it so nicely, just like one of your bloody lyrics! ‘He’s only any good when he’s doing something bad,'” Petunia fumed.

“Then I don’t know why you’re acting so wounded about it. You knew he was going to step out on you. That was the whole point!”


“He fucks everyone’s sister!” Virgil argued. “He’d fuck my sisters if they were still here.” His train of thought faltered there, hiccuping on information that was normally not accessible to him. He brushed that notion aside. Now was certainly not the time to pull on that thread. “He fucked all four of The Lollipops,” he went on to shift the subject, “That’s why they broke up.”

Virgil could see Petunia doing the math, trying to figure out exactly which four separate occasions she would have let Nick out of her sight long enough for him to manage that feat. After a beat, she crossed her arms and harrumphed. It hardly mattered.

The entire point of their marriage was to serve as leash on which Nick and his fans could strain against. For Nick’s part, Virgil knew he thought he wanted the fairy tale of finding a soul mate and settling down, but in practice, it only gave him boundaries to cross. Which was perfect as far as Virgil was concerned. Being married gave Nick’s antics an added layer of transgression that he lacked when he was single and free to fuck whoever he wanted and fans ate it up. The guys admired and envied him, but it was the birds who it really appealed to. It was one thing for a girl to think she could bag Nick Lightbearer. It was quite an enticing other to think she could steal him from someone else, someone he professed his undying love for. This element of danger and depravity sold records and Petunia understood her position in this arrangement, unlike all of Nick’s previous wives. Virgil supposed everyone must have their limits though, and in shagging her sister, Nick had made the business personal.

Now that she’d calmed down, Virgil smirked and added, “They couldn’t stand to look at each other after that night.”

Petunia burst out into surprised and somewhat disgusted laughter at that. Virgil joined in and the two of them cackled over the thought of the Lollipop sisters gathered around their dinner table, pointedly not acknowledging each other, while their parents tried to force small talk. Eventually, their laughter tapered off and they both tried to think of something to say. Virgil always hated the end of a good business relationship and Petunia was by far the easiest person he’d ever worked with. He would miss her pragmatism, so rare as it was in this industry.

“I can’t believe you of all people are going to cut out over something as small as this. I ought to sue for breach of contract,” he teased.

“Try it. I’ll take half of your net worth too,” Petunia joked back.

Virgil huffed. “I suppose we’ll get some publicity out of the divorce at least. Again.”

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