DJ’s Team Fortress 2 Ideas

Here are the TF2 ideas I’ve had over the years.

The Parisian Pilferer

A replacement for the Electro-Sapper, the Pilferer allows a Spy to move an enemy Engineer’s buildings. Being a spindly-ass not-so-robustly built motherfucker, the Spy’s carrying speed is lower than the Engineer’s and there is a set amount of time that he can carry these heavy-ass buildings, but it doesn’t warn the Engineer that his building is being moved (unless he is VERY observant and notices the ammo indicators going blank as they do when he moves his own stuff) and a Spy can maintain his disguise while carrying.

Because the Spy lacks a Sapper, this tool would require support in order to actually destroy the machines, but the point is more in taking them and putting them in amusing places. Or snatching them away from Wrangler Engies.

Engies may choose to destroy a building if they find it has gone missing, rather than look for it. If the Spy is actually carrying it when it is destroyed, he will sustain some damage from the explosion (enough to kill a Kunai Spy sounds fair).

Buildings moved by the Spy are still enemy buildings and will behave as such, meaning Sentries must be approached with caution, Teleporters will not permit opposing team transport, and Dispensers will not aid the Spy’s team. Other Spies must wait for the building to fully deploy before being able to sap it.

For more on the design process of this item, see this and this.

Crossteam High-Fives

Come the fuck on, Valve. They came the fuck on!


This and the next idea where things I came up with in response to the Robotic Boogaloo update and people defending its mediocrity and saying that everyone pointing out that mediocrity would be satisfied with a hatmap and hatgun.

ctf_hatfactory woulda been cool though. Like Decoy is cool.


How about mvm_hatfactory? Except instead of defending it, you get to attack. Because it’s the robots’ hat factory. You could be the BLU team because BLU is always offense in maps that do that kinda thing, and BLU would get to be the champs for once, instead of constantly shit on in favor of RED like always. It would have made up for the disappointment of the MVM promo shit implying that RED and BLU would work together and then being all LOL JK RED ONLY FUCK YOU AGAIN BLOO TEAM. And it would also have been funny because it would have harkened back to the line Spy had in the last comic about supposing that he was going to die defending a hat factory. LOL NO YOU’RE GONNA DIE ATTACKING ONE. And then maybe robo-crate drops are increased on MVM offense maps so you get more odds of collecting robot hats when you “loot” them from mvm_hatfactory and other robot strongholds.

Then maybe 57 reskinned hats wouldn’t have been so fucking disappointing because they would have been a compliment to an actual addition to the game instead of just being 57 metal re-hats.

The Chapeau Shameshooter

You know what, fukkit, I got an idea for a “gun that shoots hats” too.

Purely novelty with obnoxious stats. The Chapeau Sharpshooter is the weakest gun in the game, a secondary slot BB pistol equippable by any class, and deals, like 2 points of damage per shot. BUT, it can knock people’s hats off with a headshot (but still only deals 2 damage because weeeeeeak). Anyone whose hat is knocked off takes mini-crits because now they’re a poor Oliver Twistian no-hat motherfucker. People wearing default hats (because the point is to make custom headgear somewhat risky), hatless heads (because they have no hat to knock off), or the new robot hats (because they are metal and heavy) are immune to hat knock-off. Hats can be regained like Razorbacks from a supply closet. The gun is not worth using if you’re actually trying to win or play srsly, but tons of fun for people who love hat drama and being That Guy in the server.

It would be hilarious because in an update (and really a GAME) that is all about hats, suddenly the source of your joy is now the source of your demise… assuming Mr. Hat Shooter is a good shot and has a team coordinated enough to take advantage.

Not the robo-crates, but rather it is this gun that has doomed the future of 1999 and changed the face of hat-based WAR forever.

You also get an achievement for killing someone with the hat gun because that fucking would be an accomplishment.

The HL3 Uncrating Crowbar

How about everyone in the game gets a new item – The ~Magic~ Gordon Freeman Half-Life 3 IS COMING BUT NOT ANY TIME SOOOOOON CROWBAR. And this item can be used to open any crate without a key. BUT if you open a crate with the crowbar instead of a key, you’ll only get a regular ass weapon and not a cool Crate Serieesisises item. And definitely not a hat of any kind. That way, people who don’t care about super special crate items can use crates to craft (remember Crafting?) instead of trading them to the errant other person they ever come across who actually wants the damn things, glutting the market with them, or deleting them (having to delete crates all the time is annoying), but it doesn’t upset the delicate balance of people paying money for the vague chance of an unusual hat.

Also trolling people who curr about HL3.


A gamemode that works like King of the Hill, except the map is set up in such a way as to lead both teams down a single, if wide with varied coverage, path so that they have to fight each other to the point. The trick of it is, though, if one team manages to get ALL of its members on the point at once without any members of the opposing team on it, they automatically cap the point and win the round.

Related post

  1. Simon 2014.05.09 5:42pm




Working on The Take!, a four-player co-op heisting game.


May 2016
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 It was Military Appreciation Night so they had the Victory Belles, an Andrews Sisters style trio, sing a patriotic medley and then later an abridged cover of Bugle Boy.  My Valentine's Day flowers started dying, so I cut off the late bloomers and made a smaller arrangement.
 San Antonio Spurs vs. Miami Heat.  Valentine's Day flowers from Simon.