I Don’t Even With These Giant Goddamn Roaches (And Here’s How You Don’t Have to Even Either)

This post contains an affiliate link so I can make a little dosh for helping you rid your home of GIANT FUCKING ROACHES.

So when I moved down to San Antonio from Dallas, one of the changes I had to adjust to was the GIANT FUCKING ROACHES THAT JUST WALK AROUND IN YOUR KITCHEN LIKE THEY PAY RENT. Also called palmetto bugs or waterbugs, these fuckers are huge! Like two or three inches big. And they ain’t even afraid of you! You’ll be sitting on the can in your tiny little bathroom and suddenly see one of these mammoth roaches sticking to the wall inches from your face or crawling up from the bathtub drain and he’ll be all like, “Oh pardon me, I didn’t realize this room was occupied” and then you gotta decide whether to finish peeing before you scream for your boyfriend to address this sumbitch or if you wanna just cut it off mid-stream and resume afterward.

Look, maybe I had an easy sheltered existence living so far up north. The last time I saw a roach that big was when I was six, laying on the floor on our Hurst apartment watching TV, when I felt my hair moving around and got up to find ONE OF THESE GIANT MOTHERFUCKERS TRYING TO GET FRESH WITH MY EAR.

So yeah, I’m a pretty princess who – since that one traumatic waterbug-related incident – has lived a life of roach-free luxury.

Until I moved to San Antonio.

Apparently these giant fucking roaches are just a fact of life down here and you have to learn to accept them.

Except hell no. I can’t even with these!

Surely, I thought, there had to be a way to keep these guys from wanting to live in my apartment. Poison, diatomaceous earth, essential oils, something. I set to work researching. Unfortunately, what I found is that they don’t want to live in my apartment. Apparently, they will come into the house for two reasons: either it’s too wet outside or it’s too dry. Excellent, because San Antonio has two kinds of weather: sunny as shit and rainy as hell. San Antonio is more or less dry and so they’ll come indoors looking for water. They like to live where it’s moist. But not too moist! San Antonio is also very prone to flooding, so if it is raining they’ll also try to get inside to dry off.

They’re very delicate and temperamental for shit that lives outside. But they’re also not hardy enough to live indoors so there wasn’t anything that was attracting them and thus nothing to correct or remove.

I’d regale you with the long list of stuff Simon and I did to deter them from our home, but we actually got it right on the first try.

The Pest Offense Electronic Pest Repeller. Yes, really. This $20 box is all you need.

I know! It looks like some As Seen On TV shit that doesn’t work, but I was desperate and lo, it actually fuckin’ did!

We plugged this box in, and we only saw one more palmetto bug a couple weeks after. And he looked pretty disoriented so he was easy to catch. It’s been free and clear since then.

According to the included literature, the device sends electronic pulses through the wiring in your house that the roaches can’t stand. Supposedly it works on mice too, although I can’t confirm that. I will say though that our building did have mice a while back, but we never saw any evidence of them in our apartment. Could be ’cause all our food is up on racks, could be the device; can’t say for sure.

It does not, however, work on smaller insects like German cockroaches ’cause we had those a while back too and though they didn’t get a proper nest built, we did have to have professionals deal with them. I can also confirm that it does not work on ants or mosquitoes (I know, right? It’s one creature after another down here). So I think it effects animals in a size range of big, fat roach to mouse, possibly rat. Also, for this reason, the instructions also say not to use the device if you have pet rodents, even if they are larger like rabbits, guinea pigs or ferrets. Dogs and cats are unaffected by this device and the manufacturer also says that it is safe to use with birds, turtles and fish, but I would play it safe and not use it if you keep lizards, snakes, insects, or spiders.

From what I’ve read, some people have less success with this product because newer buildings have more complex, compartmentalized wiring schemes which shortens the range of effect. In older buildings, like our apartment, the wiring is less complicated and you can get away with having just the one device for the whole thing. I think, then, that if you live in a newer building, you just need to have more than one of them. That fact that the listing for this device – and pretty much every other similar device on Amazon – includes options to buy multipacks of them supports this idea. You also need at least one on each floor if you live in a multi-story house.

Seriously. We live on the first floor and we haven’t seen any of these giant roaches in about a year and a half now. If you too are having GIANT FUCKING ROACH problems, this is the answer. If you need multiples, you can order multipacks from Amazon. If you just need the one, Wal-Mart also carries them in limited quantities in the pest control aisle.

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July 2018
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 Will Smith's philantropy strikes again.  @mysanantonio took our picture for a small piece about people getting dressed up fancy to see Dita.