This post contains an affiliate link so I can make a little dosh for helping you rid your home of GIANT FUCKING ROACHES.
So when I moved down to San Antonio from Dallas, one of the changes I had to adjust to was the GIANT FUCKING ROACHES THAT JUST WALK AROUND IN YOUR KITCHEN LIKE THEY PAY RENT. Also called palmetto bugs or waterbugs, these fuckers are huge! Like two or three inches big. And they ain’t even afraid of you! You’ll be sitting on the can in your tiny little bathroom and suddenly see one of these mammoth roaches sticking to the wall inches from your face or crawling up from the bathtub drain and he’ll be all like, “Oh pardon me, I didn’t realize this room was occupied” and then you gotta decide whether to finish peeing before you scream for your boyfriend to address this sumbitch or if you wanna just cut it off mid-stream and resume afterward.
Look, maybe I had an easy sheltered existence living so far up north. The last time I saw a roach that big was when I was six, laying on the floor on our Hurst apartment watching TV, when I felt my hair moving around and got up to find ONE OF THESE GIANT MOTHERFUCKERS TRYING TO GET FRESH WITH MY EAR.
So yeah, I’m a pretty princess who – since that one traumatic waterbug-related incident – has lived a life of roach-free luxury.
Until I moved to San Antonio.